They say the traveler doesn’t stay for long. They say a moment is too long, yet years pass in a moment. But what if the moment is an eternity and there’s a moment after moment after moment until it becomes 23 years. Last night I put a metaphorical gun to my head. I pulled the trigger and I died. I strolled across the borders of immortality and they pulled me back. I threw it all away. I’m sorry Mama I didn’t mean to make you cry but what do I do when sometimes I wish I had never been born. I’m sorry sister but where do I go when you rest in heaven and I live everyday with an arrow to my chest. They pulled me back and I realized they had all gone forward. Their journey continued while darkness sucked me in and left me to die. Who stayed? No one. So what now? Do I live on pretending there’s a light? Clinging on to hope? Love? Where are they? What did I learn?
Who decides that the sharp edge won’t cut through the layers of skin? Who decides that the weight I carry on my shoulders won’t go away? Who decides that the darkness won’t spread its wings and fly away? We look for poetry in every stride. We look for valor in every story. We look for courage in every accident. We look for a bright shining day after a heavy rainfall. Who decides that the mercy won’t be coming your way? Who decides that the burden will continue to crush your life out?
Shit happens, we look for every excuse in this mighty universe to put the blame on. Some find it, some don’t. Those who find it never find peace again. Those who don’t, end up blaming their own beings. Brick by brick you try and build it back up again, your ego, your will to stand up and go about your business. People say you’re depressed, they say you’re struggling and that you’re not normal. But they don’t know the times when you thought that bottle of medicines was the answer, all at once. They don’t know that night when you were standing on the edge of the rooftop and the whole world was beneath you, the peace and serenity in that moment. They don’t know the times you stood on the tracks, the rush and thrill as cars drove by. The satisfaction in the thought of crossing the border that defines your sanity, the tranquility in being among the dead who live, they don’t know the placidness in your nature as you explore the fringes of transcendence. The dimensions of your reality are distorted beyond the measures that are known to man. Their advice, their suggestions, their opinions, nag at your brain as you laugh away every chance of your time in the sun.
Everyone thinks they know better, until life turns tables on them and they find themselves lying besides you on their backs. So who decides that the pain will never stop for me but you can go on about this day?
My tired eyes watch you wither,
Oh how shallow my vessel is
Scorching heat burned those petals,
Fondled which I and found my peace
Your voice still gives me pleasure and joy,
Oh how serene, those days would fly
My meadow grew lush again, birds chirped nearby
I found another to share it with, cry.
But now the storm fierce and calamitous its stride
With no soul to hug, no friend to rely
I run down the road, path filled with thorns
I grow old by years, with every second passing by
Fear clouds my mind, I lay awake in dark
Stars up and down, back up they rise.
Eons later, dust has settled, growling winds of the night have quietened down and the wolf lays awake in its den. Sun has gone down and the cover of cold spreads everywhere. The darkness expands over everything under the blue sky and eerie silence creeps up as if there was a human soul in sight, it surely would’ve cried out in horror. If death had a literal depiction, this would be it. Yet, the wolf lives on. Its heart beating, its eyes blinking. The wolf isn’t dead yet.
Of all the storms this wolf has seen in its life, this was the cruelest. Once, the sun shone brightly over its house and the deer danced about. Birds in the nests never gave it a moment of peace and he howled every time he stood under that big yellow Meranti on which the owl screeched all night long. The wolf leaped and jumped, howled and ran, worked in its environment, the law of natural order.There was life.
His life has changed. The storm has turned this once ferocious, lively wolf into an old, former shadow of its mighty self. The wolf has lost its battle. The silent night, cold whispers of winds and ghostly remnants of its glorified former self merely show the deepest, darkest corners of its soul, that it was beaten, that it was lost.
The wolf isn’t dead. The heart beats on. Wolf isn’t alive either. Maybe this is the end, maybe this is the start. Home is no more. The strength to lift the burden of its bones is gone and it can see the darkness creeping in. The brightness of its eyes leaves and the grey in its eyes tell a story. The beast has been tamed. Its backbone, broken.
Nature has a way of bringing down toughest of the tough, wildest of the wild. The wolf lays awake in this cold night, waiting for the end.
There are three types of people in this world:
- Ones who run the show
- Ones who take the first row seat to watch the show
- Ones who take a quiet corner, and pull themselves away from all the attractions of the show
Putting things into perspective, our life is a never ending show, a series of ups and downs, wet and dry, hot and cold. Now you can either be the guy who runs the show, bends fate to his will. You can be a spectator to wonders of this world, the guy who doesn’t have any influence on anything whatsoever and complains about things when stuff falls apart, or you can be the guy who chooses to disappear from the stage and pulls a curtain in front of him, blinding himself from the world.
Now there’s nothing wrong with being the third guy, many have found the lust and colors of the world too tempting and dangerous and shielded themselves from it. There’s no harm in being neutral but this act can be mistaken as that of a coward’s. But there is no hope for the second type of person. Ones who don’t have the audacity to change what they want to change, do what they want done. As of a little while ago, I was the third type of guy, I wanted my life to be stable, same thing every day, hiding from what I deemed unnecessary and living an ordinary life until death had found me. But where’s the fun in that!
I’m a 21 years old guy, with a whole life ahead of me; soon I’ll be in a job, maybe a family after that. A normal person lives like, until 70 these days? Let’s say I have 50 more years to live, that is A LOT of time, but I always pictured myself having lived a calm, smooth life, sitting in my chair with the fire burning nearby, cup of tea in my hand, a book, and looking back at my life and saying “I have done enough for myself”. This was however, until she was with me. Now she’s gone and maybe I’ll find my peace with that someday, but I find myself wondering, this feeling inside me that has kept me on my toes, she has left a huge gap in my heart, do I fill it? Do I leave it as it is? I think I have found the answer to it.
I have accepted the fact that my life will never be at peace again, never be calm again, being the third type of person was going to give me everything I had ever wanted, but that’s not how life is supposed to be. Life is supposed to be lived in service of others, making matters easy for people, making their worlds what you couldn’t make yours. I wanted to die old with her along my side and just prepare for the world hereafter. But why would life ever be so easy? Nothing just falls right into your lap. Jannat, a reward so big, Jannat with her, even bigger reward. Is it just going to present itself to me? No, I have to work so hard for it. I have to be the first type of guy.
Until now I wanted to shield myself from all the sin, all the troubles this world had to present, but now I realize, this gap that my heart has, it has to be filled with the energy to do something great. I can easily go dark, lose my way, be the second type of person, but all this sacrifice and struggle that I went through, what would that be for? I have given up so much, how can I ever lose my path? It would be like cheating on myself and her memory.
So, all this emptiness and pain, I’m going to put it to good use. Impact other people’s lives as she had an impact on mine. Live a life where I control things, be in the driver’s seat and pave a path for people to follow, do the acts that reward me even when I’m gone, that was the intensity of my love, and I’ll prove it to the world. What the world took from me, I’ll give more back tenfold. I believe that driven by this agony and regret of losing her, I’ll do anything to make my dream come true, surely Allah is the best judge of everything. I’ll give Him something to judge me for.
Recent events have given me clarity, the picture has changed. I’m still in the chair and a book in my hand, a cup of tea and warmness of the fire, but surely when I’m done with my life, I’ll be able to say “I have done enough for the world”. InshaAllah!
When bodies become hollow vessels occupying all the emptiness of the world. When the dark night just won’t pull its wings back in and you start to lose all hope. When the feeling of being dead inside clutches your lungs and the winds of fate knock you down over and over again, when you try to get back up and a blow to your heart throws you back where you belong, you’re left gasping for air, hands raised to the skies, when there’s an ocean of words just begging to storm out, desperate to be heard, only then you realize, there’s no end to this.
There’s a million ways it could’ve gone wrong for me, i didn’t lose hope, i didn’t lose my way, i picked my head up and pushed my way into the storm, believing that maybe Allah will reward me for my effort, but here I am!
I am never going to give up, never going to lose this great thing that I have going on, but I sincerely hope things get better soon. Ya Allah I need a ray of hope, something to keep me going.
When i came to Lahore, I was like a man who’s spent his life in the shadows and is finally stepping into the sun. Lahore Lahore hai yaar! Who hasn’t heard this phrase? Yeah Lahore is awesome, the food, weather, streets, their undying love for Noon League :p.
I had just had a major heartbreak, it was possible for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel though, engineering hit me right in the face. Adjusting to the new environment, new food, dealing with my health issues. But Lahore made everything look so easy and unimportant, once i had friends Lahore just carried me in its flow. Those long foggy walks from my hostel to classes in the morning, then bunking those classes for a cup of coffee and realizing we’ve spent the entire day in the canteen. Sitting in our chairs outside our hostel at nights, smoking cigarettes talking like the world was our oyster and we had to come out of it bright and shining. Wow, first year was so easy, not a worry in the world, a few regrets here and there, mostly about making these friends who are like, the best people I could’ve been with. Oh yeah i even tried a sheesha in our hostels in first year but ended up puking and my friends had to rush out at 3am to get a 7up, damn, that thing is nasty.
Well second year was where things got interesting, I was desperate, I wanted to do HUGE things, i didn’t know how to.Aside from the fact that I had a cadet training, i was sucking at this life. Things got beautiful at the end of 2013, i met someone special and God, where did the time go after that. You know i just realized while writing this piece of crap, people when they’re dying, they say a lot of crazy stuff, like, life is too short, where did my life go etc etc. Well i beg to differ. Life is only short, when you have that person to spend it with. Ask me about past 2 years and a month and i’ll say well, that passed in a blink, ask me how i spent the last 20 hours and i’ll say, do you want a detailed summary of every micro second?
This life sure did take a turn for the worst last night, but i’m not losing hope. Think i’ll probably find love again? Maybe, think I can love again? Even if I try to, i can’t. This isn’t the heart talking. I know me, I was shattered the first time i thought i was in love, I was so broken and I thought i’m not gonna be able to trust anyone, and I didn’t, I used to create a web of lies and hypocrisy around me, if it wasn’t for this person i would still be same. But i did love again, i trusted her, there isn’t a single thing in the world that she doesn’t know about me, but i can’t have her, I had to say the hardest goodbye of my life, would’ve been so easy if we were dying we could finally move on but no, we have to complete the sentence of life, this sentence condemns us to be apart, even though we’re alive, we’re free to do anything, but be with each other.
She transformed my life into this calm posture that i stand in today. There was havoc, no sense of direction, no motivation. Every time i close my eyes her image, her voice her bright and heavenly smile they come at me so fast i feel like i’m falling on my back in this field of grass and the ground is pulling me in its depth with its arms spread, ready to hug me into this peaceful, quiet slumber. But then i open my eyes, and I realize, well fuck.
Everything moves on, life moves on even if you don’t choose to. You don’t hold back to a memory. That’s what I am now in her life, a memory. I want to be angry but what am i going to be angry at? The fact that she made a decision so logical? I can’t be mad at that it was wonderful, it was just not meant to be. But i know for a fact she’s going to live in my upper compartment for a long time, and in the more redder apartment (heart)? Well, she can live here for as long as i live and she still won’t leave. I loved her with the intention of never loving anyone else again.
Haha i just looked at the clock thinking it’s about time i wrapped it up she might text me anytime soon. We’re just gonna have to figure out a way to live like this, with this huge gap in our chests, creating that vacuum that’s sucking our breath right back into the depth of our heart.We gotta stay strong. Life will go on, a billions things i wanted to say to her, guess we’re gonna wait till we die. See you in the next life, ___!
Tonight i go to bed thinking of Dure and JA!
A series of compromises and doing things that we don’t ever think we’d do, like living a life without a person most important to us. But our Last Prophet had to live without a son, surely we can shed a few (billion) tears but look back at our past with a smile. Yes those moments were beautiful, yes they will be all I ever want in my life, but life doesn’t happen as we want it to. Sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.
Colors return to our lives, not in the way we want them to but they do return. One day every thing pans out. Allah knows what’s better for us and if He demanded this sacrifice from us in order to keep our parents happy, we’ll do it for Allah. Beautiful thing is that Allah doesn’t forget what we had to give up. He rewards us in ways we can’t even imagine. And what’s more rewarding than an infinity together. Main thing is, we remember what Allah wants us to do and He’ll reward us, of that i’m sure.
In my future blogs i’ll be using hashtags DeM and JA. It’ll make sense to the person it’s referred to and the hope of bringing DeM and JA to life is enough to keep me motivated for what I want.
Tonight, my story ends. Those long lost ghosts lurking in the shadows are now back. That tiny glimmer of hope that I woke up to see and strive towards, is now well and truly gone. Every thing that mattered has gone back to being the way it was, insignificant and lost. Tonight, the moon laughs because it brought me a cup full of realization. It laughs because I had myself fooled that everything might, just might turn out to be okay in the end.
Sun has set on my wonderful day in the green pastures and now I must return to those dark nights hiding from the fact that I am once again, alone. Fate can be cruel sometimes. One moment nothing can go wrong for you and a second later you’re stranded on an island with no escape. Yes, life is a journey with a few road bumps here and there which you survive, but sometimes you lose your track and come out empty handed with nothing but a bruised soul and an exhausted mind. Tonight, that beautiful era ends, no matter how short it was. It made me believe in love again, made me a better person, made me regain my faith in everything. It’s funny how your life sometimes revolves around that person so much.
This is the night that I will remember 50 years from now. I had my fist full and then slowly, sand started slipping out, just like time did. You were everything to me, I looked up to you, depended on you, loved your soul, loved your view of things, loved how you cared about me, and then it all vanished like smoke in the sky.
Of course Romeo didn’t get Juliet but they had each other in their arms when they died. They had each other in their final moment, they held everything beautiful to them in their arms and left the world on their own terms. God, were they lucky!
Im tired. I want to lay my head down and sleep for an eternity. My life has just entered a hellish period and I’m not ready. I had all the hope one could ask for but that didn’t help me out so much. And then I’m not allowed to question anything that has happened because it was Allah’s will. So I just want my Lord to take me in His shadow and hide me from the dealings of this cruel world. I can’t fight any longer, there’s too much corruption of minds, every soul turns away to seal its own purpose so having a friend is not a commodity I can afford. So Lord please I hand myself over to You. You’re my Listener and You’re my Guidance. I have lost a great deal tonight and my life will never be the same. However whether I desire or not, my new life will start. I beg you Allah jee, please shape my life as what pleases You. Protect me from this world that took everything from me. I know what You do is what’s better for me. Please Lord show me that way which enlightens me to the betterment You’ve promised. Dear Lord please have mercy on my soul and heal me. You’re the ultimate power and I bow down to Your will.
Life of this world is only the enjoyment of deception. I’ve been living a lie and I beg you my Lord Almighty, don’t let that define me. Although I don’t deserve it but You are the One who Forgives. Grant me those heavens You’ve told us about as I’ve seen the horrors of this world and I don’t want them anymore. I’m done with this world. I wait for your judgement, oh kind One.